So I decided I was going to start a blog. I don't have a clue why I just am. Maybe it will be my outlet for whats going on in my life. As I sit here at home with the dogs and an injured cat I begin to wonder where I am going with my life. I am 21 years old and a college drop out. I have traveled a lot in the last 3 years. From my parents house in Lexington South Carolina to Alabama, to Colorado (for a man) to Georgia ( to my sisters) and now I find myself living back at home with my parents. I have also found out something about me in the last year itself. It scares me but I don't want whats wrong with me to define who I am and how people see me. I am a good person with a heart of gold who has been used, abused, and taken advantage of. I used to live my life in the moment going where I want when I want. I am not proud of some of the decisions that I have made but I never regret anything. At one point in time it was something that I wanted. My mistakes make me the person I am today.
A little about me. I am the youngest of 3. My sister(oldest) is married to a Sailor and have 3 beautiful children who sometimes try my patience but are my heart and I would do anything I could for them. My big brother (middle) is also serving in the Navy as a Corpsman. I am proud of both of them and their accomplishments. I may not say it as often as I should, but I love them both and happy to have them as my siblings. My parents are the best yea we may not get along but they are always there for me and there to help me out anyway that they can. Like I have said before to my dad " There is no safer place at this point in my life then in my daddy's arms." I love my animals. They may not talk back but they always know whens something wrong.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with Bi Polar II Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD), and Depression. I would have never imagined in a million years that I would have so much wrong with me. When I graduated high school I was a normal teen who was happy to be out and getting ready for college to study to be a registered nurse. During that time I met someone who I thought I was head over heals in love with boy was I wrong when that failed a year and a half later. (my fault) So I dropped outta college and moved to Alabama because I was 18 and thats when I started living my life in the moment. I lived there for about 2 months and then I moved home for a month and then out to Colorado Springs for the one person that I thought I loved. Lived there for about 9 months. We broke up and then I moved to Fort Gordon to live with my sister and husband this happened about 4 months before my diagnosis. In March of 2010 I figured out there was something wrong with me I was 20 years old moved mulitple times and couldnt be happy. Never wanted to do anything and never wanted to be social or anything. It was a fight to get me to do anything. It took my mother on the other end of the phone crying and asking me to come home for me to realize there was something wrong with me.
My mom and my aunt took me to Three Rivers Behavioral Health Systems. I was scared and I cried. I had made my mom promise me she was not gonna leave me there. Well I was mad at her because she left me there. I was so scared. I knew she wasn't gonna be able to sit by my beside with me 24/7. My mom is my comfort when I am in the hospital. There wasn't a moment in the day that I didn't want my mommy. Call me a baby call me whatever you like but every day I wanted my mom. She came up for every visit she could when I was there. It was hard but I knew I was there to get the help that I needed. On my release day my mom my sister and my dad all came up for a family therapy session i guess you could say so they could learn about my disorders. Boy that made me cry but I was happy they all wanted to help me get better.It was still rocky after that. Before Christmas I knew that I needed to be at home with my parents. I am slowly learning how to deal with it all thanks to my awesome therapist. I know me being in TR was hard for my parents to see there daughter in a controlled unit behind a door that was always locked. After every visitation I went back to my room and cried because I wanted to be with my family.
Noone ever knows how much I love my family because I wont show it but deep down in my heart I know how much I love them and I show it in my own way. I know I am not perfect nor will I ever be but that is the way that life goes. I also have some pretty amazing friends who are just the bomb and know how to calm me down and put a huge smile on my face even when i dont feel like smiling and I love them all and they know it.
I am healing the best that I can. Im taking each day one at a time and if that seem to be too much on any given day I take it hour by hour. I do what I can as much as I can with out getting anxious. I push myself a little more everyday to get better. Writing is my main outlet but why write something that no one can see. People dont seem to understand me maybe this will help some of you to understand who I am a little more and get what I have been through. I have a great support system and many great people I can talk to when I am feeling down. Sometime I just need my pillow and a good cry.
Although I am still trying to figure out where I am going from here so many things running though my head. No wonder it never shuts down.
Each day is a battle but I make it through the best I can with the help that I am getting.
I WILL NO BE HELD PRISONER BY MY DISORDER ANY LONGER NOR WILL I LET IT RUN MY LIFE. ITS ME TIME AND TIME FOR ME TO TAKE CHARGE AND LIVE WITH IT AND NOT BE THE VICTIM.
<3 Melyssa
Hugs Melyssa!
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