MY SOLEM VOW TO MYSELF

I MADE A VOW TO MYSELF SO HERE IT GOES

I, MELYSSA LEIGH GERITY, do solemly vow vow that I am gonna change myself for the better. Mind, body and everything inbetween. I know the path I am on now is destructive and unhealthy. If I don't change now my weight will own me and possibly kill me. I promise to myself to do everything in my power to loose weight and live a healthy life style. To get back my confidence and boost my self esteem. to be proud and not ashamed. I know its not going to be easy. I am gonna have to work really hard. I will find the motivation the courage and the drive to complete this vow and stand by it. To lead and live healthier and in turn letting me live a happier life. This is my vow to my self.

Melyssa Leigh Gerity

Why try.

Well the munchkins are watching Strawberry Shortcake we are all sitting in the bean bag chairs. I think i am a balancing act for Connor he is using me to balance. Its times like these that I miss them when we are all cuddled up together watching a movie.

So this blog is titled why try. I often wonder why I try when I always know what the outcome is going to be. Whats the point is there a point really. I dont think there is alot of the time. can anyone give me thier thoughts on trying on anything there is nothing specific

Military Awareness

I just sat in my dads room and bawled like a baby watching military tributes. No matter what day it is if you see an AIRMAN, SOLDIER, MARINE, OR SAILOR,ACTIVE DUTY, RESERVES, OR NATIONAL GUARD, BE SURE TO THANK THEN FOR THEIR SERVICE AND THE SACRIFICE THAT THEY MAKE EVERY DAY FOR OUR COUNTRY FOR MAKING IT FREE EITHER ON THE HOME FRONT OR IN THEATER. WHAT THEY DO IS AMAZING AND JUST LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE APPRECIATED. MY PERSONAL HER IS PO1 GERITY. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER. I have many other people in the military that I am proud of and thankful for thier service to our country and keeping us in THE LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE. The brave is them fighting for us. They deserve to be thanked for all they do. Hell thank the families of those military members its hard on them too. They sacrifice thier loved ones and worry about them when they are in theater. They have a hard job too.

To the women and military wives that I know, Tricia Mold, Morgan Bazemore, Cat Musgrove, Charity Mobley Siironen, Chassidy Mobley Kear, Abby Brown, Sarah Anunson, Zoe Woodman Schultz. Thank you for being the support behind your men in uniform and being there for them when they are at home and away. You are truly appreciated. 

To James Gerity, Ben Mold, Thomas Navarre, Shane Norman, Philip Popa, Josh Watson, Mathew Mickle, Roy Jernigan and all the other guys out there you are truly appreciated in my house and in my heart for keeping our country free and being the best you can be and putting your lives on the line. Thank you never seems like enough but you are the ones fighting for our freedom.

Wondering

So I am sitting here tonight in my bed with the dog curled up at my feet and have come to the conclusion if you expect me to be perfect you can KICK ROCKS. I am no where near perfect nor will I ever be I am who I am. I don't need any ones approval to be me. I have been this person for 21 years. That's more then likely not going to change. My personality and my sense of humor are the way they will always be. I can be calm and cool and collected, and then I can be that crazy party girl. Take me or leave me. Honestly that has been bugging me for a while now. I wish people would accept others for who they are and not what they want them to be. Sorry guys that's not how this world we live in works as messed up as it may be. You can treat others the way you want to be treated I know every ones momma raised them the way that if they don't have anything nice to say then don't say it at all. Yes we all get heated but that really does not give you the reason to put people so far down that they can't even bring themselves up. I was one of the kids in school that always got made fun of and now I have the I don't give a shit what you think attitude I am not here to please anyone but my self and if you don't like it then find someone else you can mess with because it sure as hell will not I repeat WILL NOT be me. Don't play with someone who can play the game better then you can. 

Now I will leave you all with an inspirational quote:

To find what you seek in the road of life,
the best proverb of all is that which says:
"Leave no stone unturned."
Edward Bulwer Lytton

WHY???????

Why is it when I see pictures of you and her that I want to cry?
Why does it make me wanna rip her head off?
Why do you have to be so happy?
Everything you have with her you had with me.
Why did you make me feel like I was the fuck up.
When in all actuality you where the one who fucked up and let me go.
You hurt me more then I could ever explain.
You broke my heart.
Tore it in to a million little pieces.
If I wished you happiness I would be lying
I don't want you to be happy with her.
I want your world to crash down the way mine did.
I thought maybe if I put on a front it would help me. 
Guess what it hasn't.
Sorry I wasn't the perfect person.
I'm only human. 
Yet you made it seem like a crime. 
I thought the last time I cried over you would be the last.
But seeing you with her just hurts so damn much.
WHY????
You cant answer that because you never cared. 
I'm not even sure that you loved me the way I loved you.
I loved you with everything I was and everything I had. 
I would have given up everything if it meant keeping you.
I gave it my all but it never seemed to be enough.
I'm sorry I was sick and that you never forgave me. 
I'm sorry for everything.
Wait should I be the one saying sorry or should that be you?
Ill never hear it because it will hurt your pride and your ego.
But why did it happen to me??? 
Why does it hurt? Its been over for a while. 
I have accepted that. 
Why do I cry when I see you happy?
Why do I shed these tears at all over you?
I'm happy why cant I let you go?
He makes me happy.
Maybe I just needed to remind myself. 
He is always there for me more then you ever where.
I love him not you all you did was break me down.


WHY WHY WHY!!!!!

Life....

Love like you have never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching

I have been hurt so many times by men in the past. But I know I cant let that hinder me. Not all men are the same you may think that they are. I know have for the longest time. It has stopped  me from having a relationship that is strong for love and will last. I mean I am a normal woman I want that one man that will be my shoulder to cry on and my rock when I am weak. What right woman in her mind wouldn't. I am that one who falls for the sweet guys and then they do a 180 and completely turn in to a jackass. I mean come on no female deserves to be treated like that. I mean yea there will be fights but every realtionship has its flaws. If its perfect with no fighting its not gonna last. Atleast that is what I have learned in the last few years. 

Dont stop your self from being who you are. Do what you want and live the way you want. Who cares whos watching do it like noone is and make your self happy and do what you want. I have given up trying to make everyone happy in my life. I can't do it if I don't make myself happy first. Pleasing everyone or trying to at that will only bring you down even further. I know it is not easy I have been there and tried that guess what I plain gave up and threw up my hands because I found out that I wasn't happy. Always remember to make your self happy before anyone else. I think I am going to start making this blog both what goes on in my life and quotes that will cheer everyone up. 


Peace and love.

..........IDK

Well I couldn't figure out what to put as the title for this blog. The last few days have been good I guess you could say. Thursday I went to my aunts and had a nice talk with her. Went to the bar Saturday night and had a ball watching my aunt and her friend have a good time and dance til I had to find away to get 2 vehicles home that night. Boy oh boy was that fun. 

Everything with the family is going good. Mom is heading back to work after a week off from a snow storm. 

Still trying to figure out a lot. I will blog more later when something interesting happens in my life. HA HA.

<3 Melyssa

The begining

So I decided I was going to start a blog. I don't have a clue why I just am. Maybe it will be my outlet for whats going on in my life. As I sit here at home with the dogs and an injured cat I begin to wonder where I am going with my life. I am 21 years old and a college drop out. I have traveled a lot in the last 3 years. From my parents house in Lexington South Carolina to Alabama, to Colorado (for a man) to Georgia ( to my sisters) and now I find myself living back at home with my parents. I have also found out something about me in the last year itself. It scares me but I don't want whats wrong with me to define who I am and how people see me. I am a good person with a heart of gold who has been used, abused, and taken advantage of. I used to live my life in the moment going where I want when I want. I am not proud of some of the decisions that I have made but I never regret anything. At one point in time it was something that I wanted. My mistakes make me the person I am today. 

A little about me. I am the youngest of 3. My sister(oldest) is married to a Sailor and have 3 beautiful children who sometimes try my patience but are my heart and I would do anything I could for them. My big brother (middle) is also serving in the Navy as a Corpsman. I am proud of both of them and their accomplishments. I may not say it as often as I should, but I love them both and happy to have them as my siblings. My parents are the best yea we may not get along but they are always there for me and there to help me out anyway that they can. Like I have said before to my dad " There is no safer place at this point in my life then in my daddy's arms." I love my animals. They may not talk back but they always know whens something wrong. 

About a year ago I was diagnosed with Bi Polar II Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD), and Depression. I would have never imagined in a million years that I would have so much wrong with me. When I graduated high school I was a normal teen who was happy to be out and getting ready for college to study to be a registered nurse. During that time I met someone who I thought I was head over heals in love with boy was I wrong when that failed a year and a half later. (my fault) So I dropped outta college and moved to Alabama because I was 18 and thats when I started living my life in the moment. I lived there for about 2 months and then I moved home for a month and then out to Colorado Springs for the one person that I thought I loved. Lived there for about 9 months. We broke up and then I moved to Fort Gordon to live with my sister and husband this happened about 4 months before my diagnosis. In March of 2010 I figured out there was something wrong with me I was 20 years old moved mulitple times and couldnt be happy. Never wanted to do anything and never wanted to be social or anything. It was a fight to get me to do anything. It took my mother on the other end of the phone crying and asking me to come home for me to realize there was something wrong with me. 

My mom and my aunt took me to Three Rivers Behavioral Health Systems. I was scared and I cried. I had made my mom promise me she was not gonna leave me there. Well I was mad at her because she left me there. I was so scared. I knew she wasn't gonna be able to sit by my beside with me 24/7. My mom is my comfort when I am in the hospital. There wasn't a moment in the day that I didn't want my mommy. Call me a baby call me whatever you like but every day I wanted my mom. She came up for every visit she could when I was there. It was hard but I knew I was there to get the help that I needed. On my release day my mom my sister and my dad all came up for a family therapy session i guess you could say so they could learn about my disorders. Boy that made me cry but I was happy they all wanted to help me get better.It was still rocky after that. Before Christmas I knew that I needed to be at home with my parents. I am slowly learning how to deal with it all thanks to my awesome therapist. I know me being in TR was hard for my parents to see there daughter in a controlled unit behind a door that was always locked. After every visitation I went back to my room and cried because I wanted to be with my family. 


Noone ever knows how much I love my family because I wont show it but deep down in my heart I know how much I love them and I show it in my own way. I know I am not perfect nor will I ever be but that is the way that life goes. I also have some pretty amazing friends who are just the bomb and know how to calm me down and put a huge smile on my face even when i dont feel like smiling and I love them all and they know it.

I am healing the best that I can. Im taking each day one at a time and if that seem to be too much on any given day I take it hour by hour. I do what I can as much as I can with out getting anxious. I push myself a little more everyday to get better. Writing is my main outlet but why write something that no one can see. People dont seem to understand me maybe this will help some of you to understand who I am a little more and get what I have been through. I have a great support system and many great people I can talk to when I am feeling down. Sometime I just need my pillow and a good cry.

Although I am still trying to figure out where I am going from here so many things running though my head. No wonder it never shuts down. 

Each day is a battle but I make it through the best I can with the help that I am getting. 

I WILL NO BE HELD PRISONER BY MY DISORDER ANY LONGER NOR WILL I LET IT RUN MY LIFE. ITS ME TIME AND TIME FOR ME TO TAKE CHARGE AND LIVE WITH IT AND NOT BE THE VICTIM.

<3 Melyssa